probably because I actually feel like I have my thoughts semi-organized.
this week was really rough but I've learned a lot from it. But I guess I should start by last week which is why this week was kind of rough. Last week was spring break, woooo! and ive never been one to want to go to south padre and get crazy drunk and all that spring break stuff, but this year, I figured I deserved a vacation and a friend and I had been talking about me going to visit so I figured this break would be the perfect opportunity. we will call him, mystery man. which is for a lot of reasons. His subtleness about everything amazes me. I'm not a subtle person, if something is bothering me, ill tell you. if i think something im usually thinking it out loud. so maybe that's why his subtle ways of telling me things or the way he does things makes me crazy in such a great way. and we will also call him mystery man because I'm not sure what we are right now and I think we're trying to lay low for a while,which I'm fine with. anyway, we had such a good time at this beach- Mexico Beach, Fl- it's beautifullllll, it has a small town, quiet, feeling which I think we both fell in love with, because we couldn't stop talking about it. I was there for a few days and leaving was so hard, but I left knowing that I wasn't insane when I thought there was chemistry between us and of course, put a smile on my face when he mentioned that he wanted me back soon.
BUT THENNNNN I came back to reality.(we've moved on to this week now...) to the same ol routine of school and work and being broke and dealing with-life. and then I realized I turned into the biggest girl ever. I over analyze things like no other. to the point where I convinced myself mystery man hated me...when in reality, I hadn't even talked to him besides on my way home when he was making sure my 12 hour drive wasnt getting to me. and that thing that drives me crazy about all this over thinking is that I KNOW how he is, I know he doesn't feel like he should be up anyone's ass. I know how he feels about me. He's told me and I know that to him, that's that and he shouldn't have to tell me every 5 minutes...and I don't want him to. but at the same time I am constantly thinking the worst things. i hate it. but I think I'm getting better at it. I hate how much of a girl I'm being, but at the same time it kinda makes me realize he's shaping me into the girl that actually cares for once, and that hasn't happened in a loooong time. excuse me...where did the single-lovin- me go?! ughhhh!
BUT THENNNNN I came back to reality.(we've moved on to this week now...) to the same ol routine of school and work and being broke and dealing with-life. and then I realized I turned into the biggest girl ever. I over analyze things like no other. to the point where I convinced myself mystery man hated me...when in reality, I hadn't even talked to him besides on my way home when he was making sure my 12 hour drive wasnt getting to me. and that thing that drives me crazy about all this over thinking is that I KNOW how he is, I know he doesn't feel like he should be up anyone's ass. I know how he feels about me. He's told me and I know that to him, that's that and he shouldn't have to tell me every 5 minutes...and I don't want him to. but at the same time I am constantly thinking the worst things. i hate it. but I think I'm getting better at it. I hate how much of a girl I'm being, but at the same time it kinda makes me realize he's shaping me into the girl that actually cares for once, and that hasn't happened in a loooong time. excuse me...where did the single-lovin- me go?! ughhhh!
on another note, my babiesssssssssss :) I realize how much I love being a nanny. I love kids, and I would love to have some, but I used to think I wanted them as of yesterday. Now, I realize I have the best of both worlds right now and I can wait a while for my own. especially because when we were eating dinner one night it was nice and quiet then they sat a family with kids at the table next to us and all of a sudden I found myself thinking..."where did my quiet dinner go?! and I want it back!" this scared me a little...i have NEVER minded kids being loud at a restaurant....and this time I did! but I learned to accept it, and I think it's just my grown up mind coming in and realizing I want to explore and live and I can have kids for the rest of my life so why start so soon? and even though my kids truly make my day every day I get to hang out with them, and even when they are cranky and screaming I don't mind...Im glad I have the best of both worlds.
I know I ranted a lot in this blog, and I promise I will get better at it, I think I just needed to get those first few thoughts out first and then I will turn into the editor I am in my next entries!
now I'm off to bed from a lazy saturday of a lot of thinking, and painting, and crying....how therapeutic! I will work on stopping my over thinking and my love-hate relationship with screaming kids! haha we'll talk soon!
